THIN and Now

It is fascinating watching your body change as you grow up, grow older, grow fatter or thinner or grow muscle. I have spent many years hating the way my body looks and the way that I carry my weight all while desperately wanting to be thin. I have always joked that if I were two inches taller, I would be well proportioned and wouldn't have to worry but alas, I don’t see a growth spurt in the future.

I grew up as a tomboy in a relatively small town that was centered around a University that boasted incoming beautiful Freshman every year. There was always a wave of fresh new faces and half naked ladies running around town because Texas is hot and the less you have on, the more bearable the heat is. This constant wave of youth and beauty effected me and my body image because I only saw what I longed to be, thin.

I have heard plenty of women, myself included, say “What I wouldn't give to go back to my THIN self and tell her YOU’RE NOT FAT”. Wow, think about that for a second. What feelings does that evoke in you? For me, I am ashamed of that “thin” girl because even when I was a size six in High School or again in my mid to late 20’s (weight around 140 pounds) I was still unhappy with my body. In my mid 20’s, I clearly remember finding a picture of myself from a diving trip I took when I was sixteen. I am sitting on the edge of a boat, snorkel on top of my head and wearing a bikini. I didn't recall ever wearing a bikini in my life because Heaven forbid my stomach fat showed to the world and all I could do was stare at my body. It was actually cute and slender and dare I say, thin?

I think “being thin” is relative to each person, I am sure there are plenty of people out there that would covet the body I have. I am 5’ 6”, well portioned, sturdy hips and I weigh around 180 pounds (I fluctuate between 177-180). OMG, did I REALLY just tell you how much I weigh? To be honest, this is the most I have ever weighed in my life but surprisingly, this is the body I have come to love, thanks to my husband and weight lifting.

That image of being thin for me was never was a clear picture. I wouldn't be able to pick out any one person and say, I want to look like her because I was that critical of how I looked. I never wore shorts, dresses or skirts growing up because I hated how fat my quads and calves were and I never wore form fitting clothes or tank tops out of fear that someone would see my back or stomach fat. I know the mentality that I had back then and all I ever wanted was a flat stomach, actually, I STILL want a flat stomach I just see things differently now.

I hold myself to an extremely high standard and I expect the best from myself in every aspect of life and as much as I love a good challenge, my body has never lived up to my standards. Thankfully, I was gifted in a lot areas of my life but the one thing that I can not change without an immense about of discipline and effort is the way that I carry my weight.

I think I could be best categorized as an “apple shaped body”, meaning, I carry my weight primarily in my mid section but even then, I don't exactly fit that body shape, maybe I am an overweight hourglass or more of an Endomorph? Actually, I don’t care what shape I fit, what size jeans I wear or how much I weigh anymore. I have given up on shaming my body and coming close to tears when a jean manufacture thinks I am a size 12 and the next one says I am a size 8 (my sizes now). Those things do not matter and they shouldn't wreck your self image.

My resolution to thirty years of hating my body? Find a purpose for your body and listen to how it responds. My husband did track, pole vaulting and football in High School and I did creative writing and journalism (yeah that’s finally serving a purpose). He carried his athleticism throughout his life and continued to run and lift weights. I on the other hand, having no background in fitness, did mass amounts of cardio and dreamed of being a runner. Guess what? As I have previously stated, I am not built to be a runner (Work horse or Race horse).

Having given up the dream of running marathons and focusing on what I am capable of, I have absolutely fallen in love with weight lifting and what it is doing for my body. Those “fat quads and calves”, they ROCK squats and thanks to them, my booty is looking much better. As a matter of fact, I wear shorts as often as possible because my quads no longer fit comfortably in jeans. I also work out in nothing but tank tops because they give me a better path for the bar to travel to my front rack position and they are so much cooler than a T-Shirt.

I will still have days where my progression isn’t where I want it to be, or days when I put on pair of pants and will loathe my muffin top but mentally, I am much healthier. The word THIN has taken on a new meaning for me, it actually no longer has a place in my life because I have a healthy perception of what thin actually is. I am no longer a girl chasing an image that doesn't exist, I am a woman and I know that the image I have been looking for is called FIT.

#thin